Back in the Boat
I rowed for six years then took a 6-year break and now I'm back in the boat. I fell in love with rowing the first time I sat on the rowing machine, the coach was just telling me to try and within ten pulls on the rowing machine I was dreaming of the Paralympics and podiums. Putting in the hours was fun I loved rowing on the machine and the water. I loved pushing my body to the max. It was a place where my disability wasn't front and center-rather my strength and abilities were highlighted. It definitely wasn't a smooth row, but life never is. My journey took me to Florida for one of the best and hardest years of my life and when I left Florida, I felt like my rowing journey was over at that point. I had learned amazing lessons and by the end of my time in Florida had started to finally learn that it was about the process and not just the end goal of the podium at the Paralympics.
I still loved rowing but back in Israel I didn't feel ready to get back in the boat, I had other things to go through and process emotionally, physically, and on my educational journey. I played some tennis and basketball and did some strength training but there were plenty of moments seeing the Yarkon river that I missed rowing. I never reached out I kept working on myself and trusting the universe to an extent for a message on a comeback.
The call came, well it was a WhatsApp message from my former rowing partner who is just one of the best people in my life. He deeply cares for me, almost like a second dad. When he reached out and asked me if I wanted to come back and give it a shot I was super nervous to even make a call to him, but I did. And I set boundaries. Part of the reason I had left rowing in Israel for Florida was a semi-toxic environment. While setting the boundaries for him it was also for me, constantly reminding myself that right now school is my job and rowing would be my side hustle and that I'm not promising to the coaches or myself that its Paralympics or bust. Rather I'm down to come back to make my body stronger and put in the work, but we'll just have to see how it works-and if at some point it doesn't I'm out. I was upfront about my eating disorder and mental health struggles and we were able to come to a consensus with the coach and a paced training plan was set in motion.
It feels so different this time around, which has been really healing. I'm not fasting before a hard workout only to almost pass out in the middle of practice on the water. I'm putting in the work with the dietician without letting my body size and weight always determine how I feel. The feelings still come up sometimes, speaking about my weight or taking measurements for my dietitian, but I've really internalized that it is a process and my body- ME I am worthy of love and care all the time. Through the process of doing things better doing it from care and maybe even love rather than hate or trauma and trying to numb the pain, the whole process has felt better.
Do I still want to win and do better every day for sure. But I fuel my body with love, care, and grace during this process and it feels much better. Also, I really love rowing and the sanctuary that is a rowing machine and the boat on the water. I don't have ink on my skin just yet, but I'm still obsessed enough to paint a picture of an oar in the water at our department paint night. Here's to finding the path to healing with things you love. Find me on the rowing machine or the water. Dream on.
